Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.

you have three unread messages

I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.

WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH

Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.

There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.

[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet

Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby

I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester

My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.

Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

[at the pub]

I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.

Her: Quit talking to me

I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight

People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.

Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.

Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.

ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*

Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong

ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.

Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.

The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn

that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute

Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.

When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.

Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.

The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.

I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

Cricket Audience: *goes wild*

Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd

My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.

If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…