Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.

I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.

we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,

Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”

They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light

Trainer: what are your goals?

Me: to pet all the dogs

Trainer: no, fitness goals

Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs

Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.

Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.

I’ll eat when I’m dead

– zombies

People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”

“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”

Me: I’m terrible at fractions

Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day

I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.

Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…

*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00

me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker

my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?

I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.

[sexting]

Her: Are you naked?

Me (taking a shit): Yes

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are

We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate

I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.

ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!

tree: morning

me: oh hey

tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro

me: [exhales on tree]

tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff

Me: What happened to all the bourbon?

Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.

Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.

Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!

7yo: I’m Coach Tommy

Coach: No wait…

Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!

*the whole team cheers*

Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.

Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781

My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.

As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times

Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?

Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.