Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene

Me: how??

[Earlier]

Me: better floss before drowning this guy

Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”

A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.

Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake

Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.

Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?

Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

Me: please just one more wish

Genie: no, I said 3

Me: please

Genie: no

Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please

me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy

judge: i meant questions about your life sentence

You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.

Are rhetorical questions really necessary?

Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”

NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED

“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.

Not now pee, I’m sleeping.

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house

I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl

Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!

8: But mom, you’re pretty.

Me: Awe thank……wait what?

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

If my kids invented a drink.

[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]

If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring

doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live

me: oh my god. you’re lying

doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not

Just why bro?!

water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean

water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani