Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.

2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.

I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway

timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…

this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him

I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.

Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.

Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.

3yo: no five more things!

Me: no, one more thing.

3yo: yay one more thing!

Bless their stupid little hearts.

Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!

Me:

Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”

the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face

If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.

If poetry is dead, then explain this:

me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.

my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?

It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.

[HIGH SCHOOL]

teacher: you’ll use calculus one day

[AGE 40]

me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know

My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.

What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*

I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash

“how’d your football team football today?”

those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’

{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?

COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE

Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits

Fat chances are my favorite chances

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background

Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day

Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.

don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter