Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair

My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”

Ooooh. That’ll show me.

Had sex with a condom tonight.

Maybe next time it will be with a girl.

*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.

I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch

I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.

Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.

Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row

medusa but her hair is an anaconda

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations

8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower

Librarian “SHHHHH”

*Turns lawnmower to low setting*

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth

-my 3 yo, describing pretzels

I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people

Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets

Me: Hold my goat

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?

Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means

In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???

INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”

ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel

*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*

idk what he going thru but i feel him

accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

*watches a house fall on you*

*steals your shoes*

[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been