Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.

Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.

Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?

Clown: [reaching for his nose]

Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please

She loves me

[forgets to run the dishwasher]

She loves me not

nobody:

4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.

if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

Perfect

[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.

Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.

Very problematic

When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.

We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy

What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?

okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.

Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.

People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing

My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.

Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?

Vampire: I don’t.

Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-

Vampire: also no.

Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?

As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.

WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*

Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.