Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
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Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
some Old Testament wisdom
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.