Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
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They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?