Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)

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The Chosen Phew

I have written yet another poem about laundry

I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps

Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.

“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”

-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu

I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.

Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark

Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.

*Strong man rips a phone book in half

Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?

Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:

Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?

Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?

I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.

Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long

😩😩😩

Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…

Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.

George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

[first day as a wizard]

me: babe I said I was sorry

frog: >:(

Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?

Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.

[next morning]

Him in the bathroom *screams*

Her yelling: That’s one!

Him *screams*

Her: That’s two!

I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?

He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.

Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.

Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.

My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.

Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?

Me: Yes, I love potato salad.

Nutritionist: no

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄