Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts

And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.

My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”

This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times

Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE

My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.

Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot

I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep

Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.

You can stop sacrificing goats now.

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on

Christian Bale: What?

Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!

Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?

Woman: Yes! No!

wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”

You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.

Me: get behind me Satan!

Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache

Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.

Me: And her parents are OK with this?

I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”

Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.

It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too

Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.

His name was Frank

[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]

*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go

[2 seconds later]

*lets go*

I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”

For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you

I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.

My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well

i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult

Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?