Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can’t look up anything

When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.

H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.

M: okay

H: That’s it, okay?

M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.

H: What?

M: What?

*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.

In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.

i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato

MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.

Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious

My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.

make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.

Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.

Me *buying alcohol*

Him: I need identification

Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey

Him: I meant you

Me: I’m Jon

me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?

4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie

me:

The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.

This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*

Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔

Not my fault if the kids give up too soon

If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess