Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
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The median voter
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
💀 😭
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
😂🍻
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.