Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.

[knock at door]

ME: yes?

COP: is there a party going on?

ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-

[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE

Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again

Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.

BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber

ME: i’m not sure how to take that

BANK TELLER: exactly

Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time

[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings

A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.

inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away

HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish

ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done

My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.

“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”

What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”

One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.

Until then, I’ll keep eating.

Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?

Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week

Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday

My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.

My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.

BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!

Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50

Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped

If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes

Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”

Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.

I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat!

[preparing dinner]

Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking

Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly

person i just met reaches out for hand shake

me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people