Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”

Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”

Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved

Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser

trivia

If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.

[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from

once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water

Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety

It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.

What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)

He was a koi.

She was a squirrel.

Can I make it any less obvious?

I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

[God creating the stingray]

Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die

INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?

ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.

Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.

Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.

me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred

Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”

Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life