Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
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Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
“TGIM!” – My liver
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
My dress code is business-casualty.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone