KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
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No, I don’t think I will.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
That’s amazing.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
