Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs

me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to

One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.

Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.

why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures

my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked

You, idiot: Bill Gates

Me, a genius: Invoice Doors

[In the White House war room]

Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.

So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?

Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?

Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer

Ikea Employee: I’m calling security

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore

If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:

If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot

*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*

“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”

Bless you

The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.

My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.

And that’s what happened your honour.

Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.

Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?

Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.

A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.

HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.

Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.