KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
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What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Harsh but fair
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
