KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
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OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses