Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.

It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.

My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.

If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.

Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.

oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman

If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.

I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.

had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow

Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?

Detective: He’s white

Other detective: A muscular build

Me: He kills people

Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”

Yes I’m the dude at the liquor store with a grocery cart but in my defense I do have 10 relatives coming over for dinner tomorrow

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.

they really wanted me dead for this

If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.

Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose

Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?

I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.

to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.

Store policy: You break it you buy it.

Cat policy: you by it you break it.

My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call

I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.

I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.

i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there

Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.

For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.

Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?