Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”

When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.

I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.

When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.

the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat

Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”

When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”

Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.

If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.

Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me

Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?

W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?

Me: *laughing* Yep

W: OMG noooo

Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*

Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.

Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken

Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen

Me:what is this CSI?

My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.

One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”

if a staircase can spiral so can i.

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

me: I’m going to the store to get bread

wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen

[later]

wife: did they have eggs?

me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes

My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?

Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.

Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.

True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.