Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.

oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed

Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.

bro what is going on at twitter

Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done

SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.

*boyfriend calls girlfriend*

Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”

Gf: “we’re breaking up”

Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”

I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.

murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed

me: just changing the oil

“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”

Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.

ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.

[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.

Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.

DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?

[HR office]

HR: you know why you’re here, right?

Me:

HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it

the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done

Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.

“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.

opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses

I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.

Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY