Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar

Just checked my bank account….
That shit said $ L,MA0,00.00

I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”

The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….

….idiot….

You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.

Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.

FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords

If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.

Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.

3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*

Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?

Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.

*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*

I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.

The grumpy one is crab B.

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.

I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.

As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat mate.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?

*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers

Free him

Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.

Assistant: Algorithm.

R: No you stay here and help me.

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away !

My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.

Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas