Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad

[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.

Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?

Me: Four-

Dr: okay

Me: -teen

Dr:

Me: -ish.

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

Proofread twice, hang posters once

Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…

So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

At the International League of Assassins

Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]

Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

me: please go clean your room

5: mom don’t yuck on my yums

me: who taught you that?

5: my teacher

me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?

[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it

Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.

Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,

Thanks!

I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.

My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married

Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.

You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!

You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.

The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?

Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.

Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.