kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
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Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.