kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?

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Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.

Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.


Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine


Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*

*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall


If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.


Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets


“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*



Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.


My girlfriend and I are thinking about adopting a dog because we’ve had no luck trying to have one naturally.


I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me