@TweetsByKaylee

kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?

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@FinallyHeSleeps

Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.

Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.

@alexlumaga

Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine

@MissHavisham

Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*

*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall

@TheBoydP

If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.

@P1ssed_K1d

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets

@amydillon

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

@mollymcnearney

Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.

@joshgondelman

My girlfriend and I are thinking about adopting a dog because we’ve had no luck trying to have one naturally.

@GloriaFallon123

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me