Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.

I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.

I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this

Women aren’t hard to read

For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out

You’re done bro

Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…

Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*

Me: …Mr. Bean

Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.

[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do

Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows

Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids

Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?

Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.

MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?

my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?

When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.

“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”

Son: *carrying damaged produce*

Me: Drop that sick beet!

*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h

Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?

-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…

Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!

[8 years later]

Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.

My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.

“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”

Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.

mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute