Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.

“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”

“That’s a smart car.”

Artwork by Herta Burbe

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.

Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*

Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.

16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.

I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.

[police stakeout]

me: suspect spotted

partner: again, that’s a dalmation

Ways to get me naked:

1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist

the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much

As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.

Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…

Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date

I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.

GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop

ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?

GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs

ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.

Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right

My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂

Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.

Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.

When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.

So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.

On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..

My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.

BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright

I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”