Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”

I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition

Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord

Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.

me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner

Funeral Home Director: please leave.

If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.

“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call

Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.

Me: What’d you do this weekend?

Her: I got a henna tattoo.

Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?

Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder

Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.

Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee

The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it

I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.

“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there

announcing “i’m pregnant”

– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?

screaming “there’s something inside of me”

– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?

The year 2035.

Razors now have 47 blades.

Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.

Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.

‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place

Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:

3. Oversized sharks

2. Rooms with large spiders in them

1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town

I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.

Him: “I feel-”

Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”

Him: “-gassy.”

Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life

Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”

Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”

so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”