Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.

Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down

Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.

A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.

0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.

“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed

Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.

[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it

Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.

Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”

My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.

Europe. Made in Germany.

[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.

Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot

Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .

This guy must be getting annoyed by now

Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.

Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already

PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat

ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course

In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*

I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”

Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen

If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!

MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.

ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.