Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.

what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube

😍😂🥰😂😍

Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.

Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.

REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-

ME: My dog doesn’t like it.

REALTOR: But I-

ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU

Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above

I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39

People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.

BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement

I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize

My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?

My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears

My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey

“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”

TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld

*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth

Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.

Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.

[GOD CREATING DUCKS]

Give that chicken a kazoo.

i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH

Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.

Unless you want to win.

My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.