kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
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me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
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[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
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“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.