Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
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My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.