Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
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The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.