Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
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Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.