Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.

Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.

You know when you’re starving, and your buddy starts looking like a succulent roasted chicken? Everyone has experienced this. Well It would be cool if when you were really full, a roast chicken started to look like a little 5 lb man

Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?

The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.

The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate

Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.

My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face

{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers

You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”

A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.

Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.

Now what?

[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine

My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.

having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!

Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day

How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.

I can’t figure out why my son hates me.

Tim hates you?

No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”

[Space]

No-one: I can hear screaming

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.

Him: Hypnotist?

Me: Oh hip noticed alright.

As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.

A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:

“Bit windy”

Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist

This elevator skit is so incredibly simple

And I think that’s what makes it perfect.

me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”

Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.