@WhaJoTalkinBout

kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back

me: *hugging his dog* no

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@TechnicallyRon

My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample

@direlog

i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved

@BillDixonish

Halloween is the only day of the year you can ask someone “what are you supposed to be?” without triggering an existential crisis.

@qwertygirl

The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”

@Tommytoughstuff

“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]

@ItsAndyRyan

First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool

@tastefactory

“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza

@stewnami

They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.

@FredTaming

Me: You’re leaving me again?

Her: (packing)

Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?

Her: (walking downstairs)

Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?

Her: (opening door)

Me: Come on, one more chance!

Her: (car starting)

Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!