Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE

Me: *opens door*

Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka

ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?

THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure

been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome

Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.

I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing

[company all-hands Zoom call]

CEO: The future is ahead of us!

Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.

DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!

ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!

FAMINE: What did you expect?

ME: lol

WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!

ME: you want a sugar cube?

FAMINE:… Yes

For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.

#topahole

[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD

Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?

Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.

8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?

Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace

Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.

ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no

I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people

Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.

My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.

Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?

give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.

I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool

Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”

Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters

me: I’m broke

therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?

me: emotionally

therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love

H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?

M: Can I wear my tiara?

H: I’d rather you not

M: Then no thanks

[husband leaves]

M: *whispers* works every time