Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
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“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
My bad habits got renewed for another season.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.
Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.
Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.
Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.
Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…