Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
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*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.