Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal

If at first you don’t succeed, try try again

“Sir we test parachutes here, don’t say that to people”

What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:

“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”

Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.

shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period

There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.

Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee

Waking up a teen for school:

1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!

Teen: Why are you yelling?

My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.

Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat

My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*

So how much budgie food do you actually want?…

That took me a moment.

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.

[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

[my gf actually turns into a worm]

me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you

my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people

ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE

While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times

One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either

Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella

My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.

In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.

wife: “man, we’re broke.”

me: “that’s all about to change!”

wife: “how?”

me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”

When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”

Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?

Clerk: Trapper Keeper?

Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors