Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
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can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.