Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
You Might Also Like
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
How To Tell A Girl Is Mad:
1. She tells you she’s mad
2. She tells you she’s not mad
3. She sets your stuff on fire
4. She sets you on fire
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
me: he died of natural causes
cop: you pushed him off the roof
me: gravity’s natural
I wish when someone called me my phone had an “Accept”, “Decline” and “Send Electric Shock” option.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Saw a Justin Bieber CD taped to a wall. You better believe I took it, you never know when you will need a piece of tape.