@sharkies3

Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn

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@DirtMcTurd

I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me

@thetits

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

@carlyken

How To Tell A Girl Is Mad:
1. She tells you she’s mad
2. She tells you she’s not mad
3. She sets your stuff on fire
4. She sets you on fire

@3sunzzz

I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.

@ch000ch

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

@addy_maybe

me: he died of natural causes

cop: you pushed him off the roof

me: gravity’s natural

@delusions_of

I wish when someone called me my phone had an “Accept”, “Decline” and “Send Electric Shock” option.

@GrandadJFreeman

*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.

@iBrowniEd

Saw a Justin Bieber CD taped to a wall. You better believe I took it, you never know when you will need a piece of tape.