Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn

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Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.


me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting

me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now


Taking your shirt off when fighting is a great way to tell the cops who to arrest.


They say all good things must come to an end…

After 7 wonderful years of marriage…

I walked in on my wife…

Watching Twilight..


Coworker: Happy Thanksgiving Eve! Gobble til you wobble!

Me: *mutters* How bout you slobble on my knobble

CW: What was that?

Me: You too


Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it


The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.


Brought my 5 year old to the tax office to ensure that the accountant works as quickly as possible.


My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.

I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.


“Hello what’s your emergency?”

Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up

Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!

Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote