Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
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you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Noah was an idiot.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
british sex workers really pound for pound
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.