Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate

Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets

*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*

detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?

me: i deleted it.

detective: why?

me: it was all grainy.

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.

Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?

Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”

Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?

Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy

I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.

My mother’s scale of concern:

1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.

2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.

Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems

when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks

The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.

Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

*Signs into Facebook

“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere

*Agrees

*Deletes Facebook

Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting

i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t

He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”

*plugs phone into charger*

“You like that huh?”