Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.

At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating

I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this

me: [has anything]

my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.

Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.

Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce

Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.

“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics

dora: jeez we’re really lost

boots: dora i’m freezing

backpack: we need a fire

the map: what should we use to start it?

dora:

boots:

backpack:

the map: oh no

dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

Sometimes I spell my name (bob) backwards just to see who’s paying attention.

MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*

Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

In a car crash a dog would rescue you.

However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well

very niche meme I made

Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box

In order from least to most stressful:

– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why

I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?

every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup

Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.

If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.

My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.

Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.

Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.