Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.

2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?

He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile

#LunchPun

her: wanna go upstairs

me: ok

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

Aragorn: You have my sword.

Legolas: And you have my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.

Aragorn: But we’re heading to –

Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.

Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.

I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.

Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.

My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.

constantly working on myself.

Dear Neighbours,

“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

When someone asks if I have any hobbies

Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.

Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”

Kong’s very sensitive.

Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?

Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it

Duck *holding gun* good answer

I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.

Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive

[guy about to invent monopoly]

*looking at friends* i have too many of these

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want.

Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit

My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!

She’s now Japaniece!