@TheToddWilliams

Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…

Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn

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@CarpeAngela

My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed

@AimeeHelene1

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.

@xxsomebunnyxx

The amount of people watching me put air in my tires in short jean shorts makes me think I should start a bikini car wash.

@Donna_McCoy

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

@elizabeth_fels

PUTIN: If your American lover is in this room I’ll kill him

ELENA: He’s not!

PUTIN: (softly) u…s…

[bursting from closet] A! USA! USA!

@NYorNothing

Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables

@ItsAnneMwaura

My Uber driver just said I sound like a CapitalFM presenter named Anne Mwaura.

@PFitzpa

Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.