Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…

Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn

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Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!


If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.


It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.


Wish me luck guys, I’m participating in my first marathon this weekend. It’s a Golden Girl’s marathon but I’m not stopping till it’s finished.


“Tim’s coming tonight”

“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”

[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop


I confuse “playing dead” with “playing dumb” so if I ever encounter a bear I’ll probably be like “Listen, I don’t even know how I got here.”


My tombstone will say, “She was a people pleaser most of her life until one day she snapped and had to be taken out by the national guard.”


Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house

Me: What, really?

Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist

Me: I promise

Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone

Me: No I don’t

Her: Thank you, I promise

Me: Oh God


WORD: wanna see paste options?

ME: no it’s fine

WORD: but check out these paste options

ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it


ME: fine there I looked now move the box


ME: it’s still there

WORD: which was your favorite 😐


Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter