Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
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If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Wish me luck guys, I’m participating in my first marathon this weekend. It’s a Golden Girl’s marathon but I’m not stopping till it’s finished.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
I confuse “playing dead” with “playing dumb” so if I ever encounter a bear I’ll probably be like “Listen, I don’t even know how I got here.”
My tombstone will say, “She was a people pleaser most of her life until one day she snapped and had to be taken out by the national guard.”
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter