Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
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I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.