Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…

Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn

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My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed


I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.


The amount of people watching me put air in my tires in short jean shorts makes me think I should start a bikini car wash.


Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.


PUTIN: If your American lover is in this room I’ll kill him

ELENA: He’s not!

PUTIN: (softly) u…s…

[bursting from closet] A! USA! USA!


Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables


My Uber driver just said I sound like a CapitalFM presenter named Anne Mwaura.


Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.