@TheToddWilliams

Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…

Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn

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@AmishPornStar1

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

@k_lli

If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.

@junejuly12

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.

@just_evolved

Wish me luck guys, I’m participating in my first marathon this weekend. It’s a Golden Girl’s marathon but I’m not stopping till it’s finished.

@ojedge

“Tim’s coming tonight”

“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”

[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop

@Matty_Softmitts

I confuse “playing dead” with “playing dumb” so if I ever encounter a bear I’ll probably be like “Listen, I don’t even know how I got here.”

@Abfablee

My tombstone will say, “She was a people pleaser most of her life until one day she snapped and had to be taken out by the national guard.”

@ArfMeasures

Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house

Me: What, really?

Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist

Me: I promise

Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone

Me: No I don’t

Her: Thank you, I promise

Me: Oh God

@PleaseBeGneiss

WORD: wanna see paste options?

ME: no it’s fine

WORD: but check out these paste options

ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it

WORD: 🙁

ME: fine there I looked now move the box

WORD: 🙂

ME: it’s still there

WORD: which was your favorite 😐

@TheDrunkJake

Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter