Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
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explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
😩😩😩
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]