Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
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The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.