[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
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BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Art by Pastelkatto
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.