Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*strums guitar*

This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”

Hope you like it.

i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?

so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD

Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”

ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.

Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…

Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute

Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER

*gets several new followers on Sunday

*adds Jesus to resume

best review i’ve ever seen

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.

🤷🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️😩

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home

At the International League of Assassins

Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?

[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*

Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.

i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered

google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it

This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked

Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.

We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.

the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats

Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing

Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.

sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location

This might be the funniest tweet ever