[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
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Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
want me to check your oil?
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.