Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
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You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
😭😭😭
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
mood
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.