Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.

Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*

Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*

“Yes, I need to check in.”

“Sir, this is a burn unit.”

“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”

Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits

Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.

i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

“How do you find anything in here?!”

-my mugger, giving my purse back

*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.

imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this

What makes us human?

Selecting all images with traffic lights

Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.

I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“To compliment my hair?”

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.

I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson

guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control

Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things

Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.

her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?

me: he’s my life coach

her: you wanna go to olive garden?

*duck whispers in my ear*

me: that’s a yes

Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.

In New England, we only have two seasons:

1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car

my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking

Dear commercial,

If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.

I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”

Twitter,

I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.

Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.

4-year-old: That’s it?

Me: What did you want it to be?

4: A dragon.

Trees to oxygen:

“Pfft. Waste product.”

if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed

None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.

Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??