Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]

Me: oh no

My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.

This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen

I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.

Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.

ㅤ

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet

Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.

Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute

[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?

[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me

*driving home*

Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.

Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.

Friend: Flyers for what?

Me: Some club called VIOLATION.

The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”

He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”

Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*

5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”

5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.

If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ

[Traffic Stop]

Cop: Sir, please step out of the car

Me: But you said…

Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.

What I say: It’s time to get dressed.

What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.

Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.

Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.

Boss: ….?

This is me 🤣🤣

When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose

I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn

old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame

I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…

All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.

~inspirational tweet

My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick

House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.