Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.

ME: can i start digging?

SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing

[waits an hour]

ME: how about now?

SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology

Knowing WHY you’re crying is for amateurs

Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.

The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.

Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.

[first day as a crime scene photographer]

me: pretty weak lighting in here

*drags the corpse outside*

When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.

It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.

I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

[cat adoption agency]

Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*

Me: What the hell?

Counselor: You’re not ready

Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?

17: That the public is crazy.

If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.

Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?

Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light

[meeting girlfriend’s dad]

Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips

Him: Dr, I have a PhD

Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips

If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.

Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”

STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!

I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.

Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.

hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?

You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.

About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

[on a first date]

Me: So do you like puppies?

Her: Oh I love them

Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies

Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star