Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened

Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.

what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls

Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.

FUN FACT:

Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.

If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.

“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”

When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge

My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.

Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.

Her: what’s your favorite position

Me: devil’s advocate

Her: i meant sexual position

Me: but what if you didn’t

[McDonalds board meeting]

CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.

BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber

ME: i’m not sure how to take that

BANK TELLER: exactly

Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself

Me: I only use one side of my brain.

Them: Which side?

Me: The bad one.

Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…

Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*

Me: …Mr. Bean

I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges

A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.

~ Peter Pan

Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”

I bought a pair of underwear today.

In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.

In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.

[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok

Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.

Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.

I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”

*shrugs off responsibility*

weigh me now

Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is