KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
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Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
if my sleeping schedule was a person
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.