KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
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I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am