Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
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Black Friday “markdowns” like
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
I’m already scared
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore