Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.

I take after my dad.

I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.

Betrayed.

*Me being held for ransom*

Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!

An odd boast

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.

It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.

“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”

By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.

Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.

person: want to hold our baby?

me: why

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?

My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.

I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”

Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor

Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship

Him: You’ll be sorry

Me: I sure hope so

Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.

What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?

*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape

A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.

If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please

“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.

On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.

The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!

“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

[heaven]

god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.

cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish

I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.