kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
the council will decide your fate
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Putting socks on my feet to keep me warm isn’t enough. I want them to come up to my shoulders
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
