kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
