Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.

[texting my wife from the barber]

WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:

[mall]

Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.

Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!

Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.

i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies

Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”

I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges

Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…

It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.

Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old

Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”

It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old

Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural

*later on date*

Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo

My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.

“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob

Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*

Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*

House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*

Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting

Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.

Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.

If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.

The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point

dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician

I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.

My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.

there are 2 types of people:

– those who love deviled eggs

– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”

I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.

Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.

a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security

Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.

I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.

“These are serious allegations”

You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.