Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
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Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
I’m not stressed
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college