Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.

My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.

[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]

me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*

I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.

People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.

But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.

Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.

*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*

*I go outside and swing on the swingset*

[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”

I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends

Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing

I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.

i need a beautiful woman to season me and mix me into a giant pot of stew

Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.

Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.

5: wow, you look so pretty

Me: thank yo—

5: with your sunglasses on

Me: am I pretty without them?

*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*

5: sure

How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War

[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started

The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that

I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?

A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.

Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.

Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?

*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

Toddler: Because someone took my sock

Me: No one took your sock!

Toddler: Then where is it?!

Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity

*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*