Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
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My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
As per my previous tablet…
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting