Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ opening mail ]

Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.

Me: What?!

Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.

Me:

This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.

My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!

Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you

Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s

It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”

ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?

The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know

If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.

“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”

Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again

The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.

One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”

Me, the invisible duster: ok

DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*

Boss: you look a bit lost

Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you

Boss: About what

Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening

My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead

This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him

3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?

😶

Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.

My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.

You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.

Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?

white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery

My favorite farside!!

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.

{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!

ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.

I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.

Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.