KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
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I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.