KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
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Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Good morning
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
*puts my mental health in rice
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”
omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.