KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
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Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?
Me: I don’t like your tone
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.