KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
You Might Also Like
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.