Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Plans 2020

It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face

The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.

How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

Cop: seen anything unusual?

Me: a dolphin with a hat once

Cop: I mean around here

Me: nah they live in water

Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!

Husband enters vasectomy room

Nurse: You sure about this?

*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*

N: The dr. will be right in

Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?

me: it’s an egg dying party!

8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?

You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.

Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked

Tinder: Meet people within a few miles

Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.

What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.

Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing

My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.

ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it

AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief

I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee

BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*

i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends