KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
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My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”