Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

Me: I lost 13 pounds.

Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!

If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.

Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver

Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute

My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky

when u get so high u forget u ordered food

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.

*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

Yaba daba do not resuscitate

“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.

“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”

“Really “?

“No”

Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.

Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.

Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.

Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.

Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?

I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”

Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”

Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.

I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.

If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.

Today in my classroom

Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?

ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you

PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist

It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.

Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…

and he says, “prolly.”

[Fancy Restaurant]

Host: May I take the lady’s coat?

Me: Please.

Host: And yours sir?

Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.

I WON A HAM TODAY

There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes

Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]

People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.