KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
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her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Who did it better?
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass