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@TheToddWilliams: KID: Where's grandma?
DAD: She's in a better place now
@longwall26: Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you're murdered your chalk outline won't just be the same old boring shit.
@GingerHotDish: I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
@PaperWash: Dentist: ok open up
"Well I guess it all started when my dad left..."
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill...let him finish
@TheCatWhisprer: You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
@missmayn: My therapist asked me to list my good qualities:nnNice to everyone's facenUsually wear deodorantnThin cheese slicernnThat took four hours.