@TheToddWilliams

KID: Where’s grandma?

DAD: She’s in a better place now

KID: Canada?

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@stockejock

Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.

@ericsshadow

It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.

@jake_likes_naps

[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy

@markleggett

Today I fell asleep for twenty minutes during a thirty minute car ride, which was strange because I was driving.

@tracietom

My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS

@pattymo

Brutus is my BOY, dude. We’ve been crushing it together for years. Ah word here he comes now. Looks like he got me a new knife, sick

@Divergentmama

My husband was so excited about his new hoodie coming in the mail yesterday.

Then he went to work and didn’t take it.

Now I’m really excited about my new hoodie.

@Donna_McCoy

I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.

@LlamaInaTux

Titanic passenger: iceberg

Titanic chef: no its romaine

Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!

Chef: oh no!

Passenger:

Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad

@AndrewNadeau0

If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.