KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
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Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
fair
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.